WELCOME TO PART TWO of the exploration. Same rules apply to this subject matter as applied to the discussion on healing. Here’s the link to part one if you are seeking to catch up: https://magnificentmindsmovement.wordpress.com/2018/07/20/the-necessary-crack-of-engagement-into-the-art-of-healing/
What You Think About Most You Become
How much time do you think the average American spends thinking about relationships, whether platonic or romantic? My guess is as good as yours. Much of my experience and lessons on the subject derive from having broken hearts.
Here’s my thesis: relationships are psychological/emotive environments we create to process our emotional life. Having someone to talk too is far more valuable than a sex partner. (Yes, sex is an enriching experience, however, in my opinion, the long walk with someone who knows you and is able to talk you down from the edge of life’s cliffhangers is of much greater value than the sex act.)
Ask yourself, how how much value do we receive for spending so much time thinking about someone, or something, outside of ourselves? By any estimation, I would question the legitimacy of trying to find a measurement. I mean, really? How in the heaven do you know? Self-identification is not a good measurement tool for “time” spent dwelling on an ideation. (I know, my trust issues are rising. That is why I like the scientific method.) I like the idea of using patterns to determine inner human motivations. I like science’s method. Before any conclusion is formed, there must be sufficient evidence to base a conclusion upon. So, when it comes to developing the trust bond, it is not the first time I see you do something or speak a particular coin of phrase that catches my attention, it is the fourth time. First times are flukes. Or, I treat them like flukes. When a behavior repeats, then, I tend to begin recording the behavior in my memory as a potential pattern. By the fourth time, I file the behavior away as an established pattern. This is who and what this person is. They’ve been doing this [behavior] a long time.
I have these patterns, also. I am human, being here with you. Just like you, my personality repeats. It has too. As much as we try to distract ourselves from said fact, human behavior repeats, just like rose pettles, beetle shells and leopard spots repeat. This in no way, shape or form takes away from our value as individuals. Rather than isolating us, the repetition of the human form/personality is a unifier, helping us enter into greater and greater humanity. Our neighbor really is an extension of our Self. The realization of this actual fact is a mark of maturity.
Looking for the Good
According to the theory, and I am exploring it just like you are, each relationship (platonic or romantic) teaches you a lesson. The lesson does not lie inside of the other person. The lesson lies inside of Self. (I keep doing that, turning the mirror upon the Self. It’s not about the other person. Well, it is, otherwise, they would not be in your life, however, the focus of attention towards personal growth is to SEE yourself reflected by the other person.)
I find this exercise to be brutal. Viewing my romantic encounters are reflections of my own self-esteem or self-image is . . . ugh. (I’ve got some self-forgiveness to work on.)
I know I am not the only one who is struggling with these misperceptions, yes, that is a good word for this inner work. I am choosing to view myself in the proper light of Self-Love and Self-Acceptance.
(Sometimes, I feel like I am lying to myself – for my own good.)
Here is what I have discovered are nine signs of immaturity when exploring the formation of future romantic bonds – er, via boy/girl emotions. In no way, shape or form is this list exhaustive. It is the best I can present right now. I am open to feedback. Refinement is the only way to access genius and talent.
Hopefully, I don’t see too much of myself inside of this list.
MARK OF IMMATURITY #1 – ‘Relationships as Drugs’
Inside of a relationship, you are okay as long as the person is affirming you and reminding you of how wonderful you are. You are addicted to the feeling of falling in love. Young love is your favorite stage. However, once your new lover presents you with repeated criticism and judgment of your personality, you shut the relationship down and want to move on to the next person. The serial nature of your behavior reveals low self-esteem.
This is a high ranking “mark”. The rest descend in quality from here.
MARK OF IMMATURITY #2 – ‘Selfish Blind Spots R Us’
Patterns. “Was your last partner over six feet tall, also?” “Oh, you say you like redheads?” “Men in uniform just do something for you, huh?” The physical mechanics of those who enter our lives is powerful evidence. At some point, we should be able to identify why a particular preference exists. Is it based on trauma or healthy living? The inability to have this discussion – to see the pattern in the personality that you keep attracting over and over again – in different bodies, makes you suspect in my mind. This is your “profile”. (We all have one.) It is what you keep looking for, otherwise, it wouldn’t be what keeps showing up.
This stage takes courage. People without courage will run when this aspect of their shadow is exposed to them.
MARK OF IMMATURITY #3 – ‘Let Me Play In Victim Stance’
Inside a society which celebrates the “Self-made person”, brokenness is strangely attractive, because it is inherently vulnerable. Society makes it a black market experience to take off your armor and display your humanity. Life is hard. The issue is: you can’t really build a relationship in the shadow side of personality. Two wounded persons have a lot in common, but therapy is exhausting. Once we trade war stories, we need to play and therapy isn’t play. This mark comes with a lot of drama.
MARK OF IMMATURITY #4 – ‘Mirrors Don’t Work For Dracula’
If we choose to go beyond the physical mechanics of the other person and look at the movement within ourselves, the last three have a unifying message for us. There has to be one criticism they all share. Are you choosing to work on that character flaw? Are you doing the inner work? Hearing three different partners tell you the same thing about yourself and expecting the new person in your life to not see what they told you about WITHOUT ever engaging in the spiritual practices or habit-changing work necessary to address the issue being pointed out is cowardice.
At this point, the marks of immaturity rapidly disintegrate into toxicity. They bottom out in physical abuse.
MARK OF IMMATURITY #5 – ‘The Sure-Fire Way to Lose Every Argument’
Wounds. Just like emotions are human, so are wounds. We all have them. Growth is the process of emotional currents finding new pathways through the human system. Growth happens best inside the safe environment of a loving relationship. Yelling is the surefire way to lose every argument inside of a relationship. Yelling is a sign that a wound is present. I can’t deal, since part of my trauma is verbal violence. The presence of yelling, to me is a sign that the other person has shut down and is so scared communication is no longer possible.
MARK OF IMMATURITY #6 – ‘Now You Get The Benefits of the Real Me’
Safety. I think of safety as a deeper element of trust. (Trust is an elusive human quality, which seems to come and go like ideation.) Some view sexual activity as a demarcation line. Once the relationship has advanced to sexual activity it a certain safety exists to explore the more abusive elements of one’s personality. The meanness of childhood is displayed verbally and physically. The person becomes a living version of the two-faced Kermit the Frog memes. The benefit is: through patience the “other” person learns how to enable this duality.
MARK OF IMMATURITY #7 – ‘After Stephen King Writes Your Eulogy’
Narcissism. American society rewards self-centeredness. Thanks to cellphone technology, we individuals can have the custom-tailored individual experience. I don’t have to listen to the music I don’t want to listen. I can choose to only watch the Netflix shows I want to watch. All this self-tailored living comes out in our romantic bonds. It shows up as our expecting the other person to not have any emotional wounds or childhood issues that they need to work through. The relationship serves me and only me. I don’t have to develop the skill set of holding another person as well as they hold me. This mark has the power and control wheel written all over it. Inequality is this mark.
MARK OF IMMATURITY #8 – ‘Harvesting and Gathering’
This is the most classic of the marks. It is the man or woman who erroneously believes himself/herself is so skilled, he or she can make the partner they are looking for. After all, growth is human activity. A philosophy of some kind, usually Christianity, is adopted for the purpose of brainwashing the victim into harmony with the “partner”. Every element of the power and control wheel is in effect. Expect domestic violence as this dramatic personality forces what can only result organically.
MARK OF IMMATURITY #9 – ‘Show Me, Don’t Tell Me How Much You Love Me’
Exhaustion. That is what this finally, drama-inducing mark creates. If you don’t know what is meant by this one, maybe you should not be reading this blog. This is vampiric, where every insecurity must be soothed by a physical display of fidelity. The partner is forever proving that he or she wants you in their lives. This is high school level and should remain a poor memory of younger days. Unfortunately, this strategy is seen long into the later years, despite the decline in energy to engage in such round the clock obsession.
That concludes what I have to present. Meaning, what do you think? Is this exploration on track, or, has it gone off the rails?
Words by Kokayi Nosakhere, who chooses to spend the majority of his time in search of magnificent minds. If you are one of them, please choose to reach out at royalstar907